Thursday, July 07, 2005

Terror - We Win

Terrorists, you have lost.
I mean - stop it, already. We're done, we're through. we're over it. In fact, everytime you blow something up, we're getting less scared. How do you like that, terrorists? TERROR-ists? OOOOhhhh. I'm just so TERROR-fied by the TER-ROR-ists.
I know - I feel horrible for all those people who died in London. And everyone who knew them. And everyone who knows the people who know them. That's gonna be, like, five years of hearing the people who knew someone lean on that crutch for everything. "Split the check? You ordered both appitizers, and I had, like, two chips!" "I know, but sometimes when I think of Cheryl, I just eat..." "Fine, look, at least put it on my card. I get miles."
But who'd you get? 40 people? 40! That's a joke. In Iraq, they do that everyday. And the degree of difficulty is WAY higher. They have stuff set-up to keep THOSE terrorists away from the Victims - concrete barriors, sniffing dogs, insane mercenaries, 50 caliber machine guns manned by 19-year-olds who grew up playing XBox 20 hours a day. And they still get 50, 60, 70 a pop. THOSE are terrorists, my friend.
Enemy, I mean. Whatever.
And don't be fooled by all our 'public officials' - none of whom we like, by the way - "urging" us to "remain calm." I just heard the LA polic chief plead with everyone to "remain calm." Like who? Who's not calm? You know who's going to an airport and flying todat?! My parents! The same Red State, terrorist-fearing Americans who cancelled a cruise to Alaska in 2002 because of terrorsts are today perfectly fine flying here. Flying!
Remember when NOBODY was flying cuz of you? For a week!!! Man, you must miss those days.
Tony Blair sounded pissed, though. He's a tough guy, that Tony Blair. Man, if I was a terrorist, no way I piss him off. And you got him on a bad day, too. Yesterday, he completely stole the Olympics from the French (he hates those French - you think you hate the French, but you have no idea). And I suspect he was so ecstatic over the Olympics that he just couldn't help giving Bush a rash of crap over dinner about crashing his bike. "What's the band-aids for George? Oh! Had a spot of trouble on the bike, eh? Ran into a copper, did we? We call them bobby's, ol' chum. Probably his fault, i'm sure. But you know who's a good bike rider from Texas? That Lance Armstrong - fancy he'd crash into a bobby? Bloody doubtful, eh, Georgy. And isn't he winning the Tour De France right now? My, but he's fast. Lance Armstrong, indeed. And speaking of France, George, did you hear who got the Olympics? I did! Waiter, another gin and tonic for me and President Lance, here!"
So I'm betting Tony Blair woke up this mornig hungover, and - wham - gets this news. Big mistake, terrorists.
Now 9/11 - okay, you got us. totally. In a way, we were all a bit amazed - it was like watching... well, it was like watching buildings full of people collapse, is what it was like. And Madrid was bad. I'll give you that. And then came... Bali? Bali? Step 3 to ripping out the living soul of the Great Satan and feasting on his innards is to blow up... t-shirt shops and a Fat Tuesdays in Bali? Now it's been three years since you swore to bring down the Great Satan, and fill our streets with boiling blood, or whatever, and you've hit two public transit systems and a strip of beach bars in Asia. The Ring 2 was scarier than this!
Just stop it. we can tell you're out of ideas.
Because I gotta tell ya, this international war on terror I keep hearing so much about - this is like a 90s Super Bowl. Afghanistan we won, like, 100 to 0. Iraq, 90-10. OK, 80-20. But 80-20?!?!? That's such a complete butt-kicking. No wonder we're getting bored.
The networks are back to soaps. CNN and Fox are already blaming each other. NPR is the only network even trying to be shocked. But you knew that was coming. And, hey! You had to do this today? If you'd waited a day, maybe they would have pre-empted 'Calling All Pets.' Now, it's gonna be on for sure. Right after that annoying Moyra Gunn person.
Thanks for nothing, terrorists. Damn you, you've won again!

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