Friday, August 11, 2006

Terror: "Can't Stop. Won't Stop. Bad Boy. Uhhhh."

Deep Breath.

We had'em WAY before Hello.

Way before 'going operational.'

Way before 'dry run.'

Way before 'gel bomb.'

(Gel bomb? Really? A Gel Bomb? They have those now? I hadn't heard
of the Gel Bomb. I'm going to remember that. Gel. Bomb. Got it.)

I think my wait-a-tick alarm went off with this picture:

those are Mass. state cops - 'fawkin staties' as Ben Affleck might have
put it to Damon, but we can't put it that way today because Freedom Is
At Stake.

First question: how many tires did he put on the sidewalk when he
parked it right outside that door? I say 3.

But take a close look. Pretty much your prototype 1 - overmacho cop and
2 - overbored cop, huh? I mean - seriously.

See those guns? You might recognize those as MP5s. You might want to
remember that, too, because if you can talk "MP5" to people, you've
got a good chance of passing yourself off as a SEAL. Seriously. A
little technique I like to use - throw in: "SD4-mod, with the
three-round burst."

Go ahead - feels good to be a gansta, huh?

Fortunately, these two have the kind with built in silencers (that's
the SD-mod part, Killah). 'Suppressors' they call them in the biz.
Sure, they slow down the bullet and make it less stable so you're more
likley - emphasis on 'more' - to miss, but when you're watching people
huck their bags at Logan, do you want to be without it?

He's also wearing what we call "a combat sling." Too bad its wearing it wrong. How wrong? Its adjusted so that the rifle is hanging straight across his
pistol, which he'd need if his high-speed, low-drag,
as-seen-in-The-Rock MP5 malfunctioned, which kind of defeats the
purpose of the Combat Sling.

And I'm sure I don't have to point out the Vest. Probably spotted
that before the forearms, huh?

So he's incorrectly wearing more rifle than he - and certainly she - knows what to
do with, with a silencer in an airport, along with
the i'm-a-dick Vest in the country where the terrorists aren't.

AND not helping that dude with his bag.

But at least you know where your Homeland Security dollars are going.

So a quick checklist:

- Local Yokels of every kind breaking out their Big Big Toys and
standing around with a supreme sense of importance and not shit-all to
do? Check

- Almost immediate emergence of Something New To Fear (blue gel -
run!)? Check.

- Orange Alert! No, Red! Check?

- Dubya: "Islamic fascism" and leave me alone about Iraq? Check.

Yip - the Captain has turned on the "We're Overreacting" Light. As
always, the "They're Lying To Distract You" Light will be on
throughout the flight.

So let's take a step back here, and ask ourselves, Just What Have We
Got? What the hell exactly have we got here?

Here's what: 24 (24!) london Kids who have spent at least the last
year talking about pulling off a series of bombings that would be - on
technical grounds, tactical grounds and strategery grounds -
absolutely unprecedented.

Again: Incredibly complicated. Unproven methods. Reliant on perfect
timing. And makes no sense.

They have a word for plans that combine all those elements: That
word is 'bullshit.' And oh, yeah, all of your
chemist/commando/spy/planners did not grow up in Saudi Arabia and
spend the last five years in Chechnya.

They've been in London, which, since their muslim, probably means
half of them secretly wish they were Ali G.

So Ladies and Gentlemen, Victims and Vicettes, put your
hands together for "9/11 part II"!!!! Give it up!

Or if you prefer, "8/10" as some british papers are
solemnly calling it today.

8-slash-10. For 24 London kids who talked up a big fuckin' game,
for at least a year. And how do we know it was a year?

Because, as Sam Kinison might have put it, they were onto them A

And consider: they gave themselves away a year ago, ERGO they were
being watched for a year AND DIDN'T FIGURE IT OUT!!!!

You've been such a great crowd, how about another big hand
for "Even More Spectacular than the World Trade Center Attacks!" What
a night its been!

For this parents are forced to eat baby food in the line to prove
its not Death Gel?

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!? "8/10"!!?!?!?!?! MP5s IN THE


These were the worst terrorists ever! I think half of Hezbullah
quit shooting Jews yesterday. "What's the point?," they all said,
shrugging their shoulders and tossing their Iranian-supplied rockets
to the ground. "If we're gonna get lumped in with these guys, I say
we just go to Jordan and get laid."

these were the suckiest terrorist who ever sucked!

these were like the terrorist version of that Friends episode where
Courtney Cox's boyfriend swears he's going to be an Ultimate Fighter
and ends up in a body cast!

these were like the terrorist versions of the answering machine
scene in Swingers!

My God, do you know what this means? these were like the terrorist
version of John Favre TWICE!!!!!!!

Pardon me while I decline to shit my pants in fear.


I WOULD like to know where the money came from. Actually, first I'd
like to be sure there actually WAS money, and then I'd like to see
where it came from. And then I'd like to bomb that place (aside: I
bet its not Iraq! Come on, anybody wanna bet? I'll give you the
whole country and kuwait at 2 to 1! Bet it's not there!)

Pakistan, a few reports have said, which is odd, because I thought
that they were our friends, except for the whole
hiding-Bin-Laden-the-last-five-years thing and the
thing, and that generally not helping us at all thing. but except for
all that, their on our side!

And can you really blow up a plane - BLOW UP A FUCKING PLANE, MADE OF
HURTING ITSELF - with bleach, blue gel and (did I get this right?) the
flash from a camera or a vigorous rubbing?

Are we committing mass murder or sticking balloons to the wall?
Would this really work?

Questions remain. Attention is merited. Good for the Brits, good for
the Staties and good for Islamic Fascism, war-against-ily.

but let's all take a deep breath.

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